When a Goodbye is Out of Your Control

With your health problems and you not feeling good I didn’t try to sleep with you out of respect. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I was looking for cues from you and felt It’d be selfish and disrespectful. Guess that doesn’t matter now if you are moving away. Don’t take it personal I’m told. Kinda hard not to when I like you. Great guys are hard to find. We connected. 

I’m sorry if I seemed pushy in anyway. I wanted to cuddle with you so bad. Our bodies entwined and kissing. With you leaving it’s probably best that it didn’t happen. Maybe that’s why you stopped talking to me. 

I wish nothing but the best for you. I’m glad we met. 

If you do end up staying feel free to look me up. Take care. ūüėĘ

Tired of Trying…

So tired of this mentality most gay guys have. That hey are gonna miss out on something if they commit to one guy. Yet they are constantly searching for a guy to be in a relationship with. It seems I’m always they one who cares too much and end up hurt. To me that tells me that the other guys don’t have the emotionally maturity to actually date. You are guarded and they push you to open up to them. When you do they run. Like some mind game. It’s not a game. It hurts to have someone leave you after you’ve opened your heart to them. 

It’s funny when you finally accept that he is gone he comes back. After they have been dumped by someone. I’ve had guys come back around to only disappear again. It’s like they are always seeking that high from something new. Why can’t gay men grow up. 

One Sided

I was the one always putting in effort to contact you and see you. I was always giving. Were you testing me? Me showing interest tell you that I wasn’t like the others? 

On New Years Day we we’re supposed to get together. You ignored me. you have done this before. I contacted you a week later and you answered. I told you that I had not heard from you and you told me the same thing. 

Why couldn’t you have reached out to me? 

After the silent treatment this time I will not be contacting you. I hate games. I expressed my like for you. You even told me that you were glad we met. Then the next day you disappear. 

Do you like to be chased? Does it make you feel wanted? I can’t do this anymore. Dating is supposed to be 50/50. Was I just someone for you to hang out with when you didn’t have any other options? 

Goodbye 

I guess this is IT for us. We were supposed to get together the next day and you ignored my texts. 

I have been nothing but respectful of you. You’ve been through a lot with your surgeries. I gave you options for New Years Eve. I don’t know if you wanted to grab a drink at the beach or not. I followed your lead with all you have been dealing with. I respect you and didn’t want to pressure you. 

I do have to say there have been many red flags. I noticed every time I tried to call you on my own it would go to voicemail. The night in the car was a red flag. The fact that you kept giving me excuses about having me at your place is a red flag. The messy friendship you have with the friend you moved here with is a red flag. The high opinion of yourself is a red flag. Maybe it’s insecurity. I thought we connected. You even agreed that we did. You agreed that you were glad we met. 

After that night in the car you texted me that making loving would be so loving with me. That made me be hopeful. 

You don’t contact me unless I contact you. that’s a red flag. I always complimented you. You never complimented me. I give compliments freely. But if a guy is into you he gives you compliments. To me that’s a red flag. 

I feel like New Years Eve with me was because you had no other options. 

Im sorry that you are troubled inside with whether to stay or move. 

I noticed when you pulled away from me. I thought I meant something. It seems you think you can find something better. You told me that guys are whores here. I know this all too well. There is the uber focus on sex. 

You seem to be insecure about aging. You lied about your age on your dating profile.  You brought up several times how scary it is to think about aging. 

You brought up money several times. How you and your ex could’ve had a nice life together. Money seems to be very important to you. Not me. I’m more about the guy as a person. What his head and heart are all about. The money stuff takes care of its self. 

I had a lot of fun talking to you on the phone and laughing. The time flew by. We seemed to think a lot alike you said more than once. 

I had high hopes for you. For us. You seemed different but in the end just like the rest. 

When Things Aren’t What They Seem¬†

I met what seems to be the perfect guy. We talked for about almost a month before meeting. This is unheard of. It all started with a message to him on OKC. After a few back and forth messages on the the site he gave me his cell number so we could text each other. He looked forward to hearing from me. When I would text him he would immediate my text back. He would tell me if he was going to be busy and unavailable. 

Soon we started talking on the phone every evening. The time would fly. We laughed a lot. 

I learned he was with his parents up north recovering from major surgery. He had been out of work for a few months and would be back in Florida soon. 

He told me over and over that we thought a lot alike. 

I looked forward to the evenings. 

He finally made it to back to Florida. I would see him the next day. 

When I saw him in person for the first time all I could do was smile. We gave each other a quick hug. I couldn’t hug him as tight as I wanted since he was still very sore from the surgery. We drove to get something to eat. I would drive since he was not supposed to because of doctor’s orders. We chatted a little. He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight. We looked at each other and smiled.  

After lunch I drive him around since he was still fairly new to the area. He took my hand again in the car and this time I squeezed his. When we looked at each other I went in for a kiss. He kissed me back. As I drove, at each stop light he would kiss me or I would kiss him. 

He asked me to take him home. He still had low energy because of the surgery. I totally understood. When we said goodbye we hugged each other for a minute or two and stole more kisses. 

we would see other every day over the next few days. One evening we went down to the beach and walked along the boardwalk. We sat and talked for a while and people watched. It was nice. When he wanted to go back home he asked if we could go to Dunkin Donuts to get a large unsweet tea. This became a thing every time we would get together. 

That night we got back to his place and he wanted to sit and talk in the car for a little bit. We parked. He said his place was still a mess with suitcases and clothes everywhere. He hadn’t felt like cleaning. 

He ended up making out. And even playing around a little. He wanted me to go father but I told him it was too soon. We talked some more and then said good night. 

He texted me later to say when we finally made love it would be so tender and loving. I told him yes it would. We had a connection. 

The next day he tells me he is upset because his friend he moved with wants to move back north and he doesn’t want to. He said he feels like she is abandoning him. He talked and talked about this over the next few days. It started to bother me. His friend seemed more important to him than the potential with me. She is older than him. She can take care of herself, I wanted to say. But it really bothered him that she might leave him and move back. 

The next time we saw each other things were different. It felt like he had pulled away. He said he was having second thoughts about staying in Florida. I didn’t have to say anything my face said it all and he saw that. He said the doctor didn’t want him coming back to Florida so soon either. That he wasn’t supposed to come back until the first week of January. He had come back a month and a half early. 

A couple weeks after he was back he developed a staff infection and had to go back for a week for the doctor to look at his incisions and determine what to do. He gave him antibiotics and wanted him to stay there but he came back. He had left his dog with a friend and wanted to get back to him. He texted me while there saying he didn’t know what to do as the doctor was telling he should move back to get the best treatment. I told him I wanted to date him but he needed to do what is best for him. I cared for him and knew that I had to accept that he may move back. It was the best thing. 

When he came back we would see each other again but things felt different. There was a space now. He knew I was sad without me saying it. He told me I had to understand that he was going thru a lot. I told him I did. 

We would see each other more. He would go back for another checkup for a few days. I didn’t reach out to him. The uncertainty was hard. He texted me when he got back to Florida. I told him That I missed and that I had not felt this way around a guy in a long time. I asked him if we did indeed connect and he said yes. He told me that he still didn’t know what he was gonna do. That he was talking to his boss the following week. The next day he texted me to say he was had food poisoning. I was working. I wasn’t able to text back right away. I asked him if he needed anything. He asked if I could pickup and take him to the drug store. I said I could and told him when I could be there. I showed up at his place. Texted that I was there like always but he didn’t reply. I called him and it went to voicemail. Strange I thought and drove away. I pulled away after that. It was best. Let him have his space and if he decides to stay maybe he will text me again. It’s been a week and I have not heard from him. Part of me is okay with it and the other part is saddened. He pushed me away so easily. Was he upset with me? I didn’t try to find out. 

Played No More 

It’s a good feeling when you finally value yourself and no longer long for someone who has always pushed you away and ghosted you when you tried to get close.¬†For about 3.5 years I’ve tried to date this guy that ran hot and cold with me. I accepted what he gave me because dating is really hard.

He would make plans with me and then break them at the last minute. Or he would go days or even weeks without replying to a text.

On Christmas Day, that night, I get a text from him. He asks if I am up, as it is about 10pm. I say yes. Then he sends me a text I did not expect. “I’m ready to open up and build a relationship with you, if you’ll still have me. And no I have not drank any things today.”

I immediately asked him if he was drunk. This guy has played me over and over.

He tells me no. He then says, “I don’t know if you’ve ever had a moment of pure clarity when everything just made sense. I had that moment a few days ago.”

I asked we disappeared again for a week. He said he was sick for 3 days. I told him

I guess that meant he couldn’t let me know that. He said yes.

Since he was ready and open I asked him what his moment of clarity was. He tells me, “it’s hard to put into words.”

I stopped contact with him and went on my way. He just negated what he said about being open. I want someone who isn’t afraid to open up. Someone emotionally mature. Besides, I think enough is enough with his games. I am done. I’ve always been told that they come around again. I didn’t believe it at the time.

I’m happy to say I am a different person than I was before. I value myself. I respect myself. I’m done with him for good.

They Always Run When You Try To Get Close…

Why is it so hard for gay men to connect emotionally with a guy they are dating?? They run. I want a connection deeper than physical. You think you have found a guy that is actually serious about wanting to date. He shows interest and tried to get you to open up to him. You do. A connection begins. He starts pulling away. And when things get too real he runs. Yet, he was on the same page. Wanting the same thing. A real connection. He tells you that you are a great guy. That you have the qualities he is looking for. That you have a lot to offer. That he likes you.

Is it the thrill of the chase? Is self worth all about the sexual attraction and conquests? It’s like when you start showing interest back, they freak out. Are they emotionally immature?

It’s really really sad.

The Heart Wants What The Heart Wants. 

I had spoke about you to close friends and my sister. “Seems like you have finally found a good one”, they would say. “He is different”, I would tell them. 

“Orlando isn’t far. Give this one a chance”, they would say. 

You saying how independent you are the distance would seem to work. For now at least. It was the beginning. The getting to know each other stage. 

Besides, doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder?

When you told me that you didn’t like that I am so far away. That you wish I was closer to be able to come over in the evenings to spend the nite. I would love that too but hearing that confused me. Someone being so independent, it would seem they would be more understanding of the situation and more willing to push through. 

What did I do? I didn’t mean to scare you. That was never my intention. I didn’t think you’d run away. It’s like you can’t accept that someone could actually care about you. See you for you. Like it was too real. 

It was only 2 months but I find myself missing you. This past Wednesday nite when 9:30ish came, but you didn’t call. I wish we could talk about things. Figure things out. If… If you had/have any feelings at all for me then why let me go? It’s easy to make excuses when something scares you. This is/was scary on some level to me too. But it was also exciting. I wasn’t expecting to like you so much. To look so forward to talking to you each week. To hearing your voice. To seeing you. I liked when our talks had depth. To me that is a good thing. I was looking forward to being intimate with you. I thought a lot about it. I yearned for it but wanted it to be the right time for both of us. 

I miss you. 

I’m tired.

Don’t you get tired of hook ups? There is no connection. They leave you empty. They can even leave you feeling used. I think it takes a certain type of guy with a selfish mindset.

It’s sad how a guy tries to feel self worth through sexual conquests.